Twilight had her baby in the end of december. she tried to breastfeed and she did, for about a month. she diddnt make it much of a priority tho and when her milk production went down she just switched little brandon to formula. oh well.
baby june is doing wonderful, sometimes she gets in these moods that drive me absolutely insane. she can sit up on her own, and she army crawls. she gets into all sorts of stuff now. its an exhausting, and halarious job chasing her around.
oh how lonely being a stay at home mother is. i love being with june but its so lonely... i want friends as pathetic as that sounds. but i also feel like im unable to have friends. sure its great that twilight has a son now, but we still dont have anything in common. although this is pretty intrusive i read on her myspace that shes smoking pot again. maybe thats why she diddnt care about the whole breastfeeding thing. shit, if i could smoke pot again i would! but june is my top priority, so i havnt smoked since the day i found out i was pregnant.
truth be told. ALL of my old friends are too immature for me anyways, but still i want their approval desperately. i invited starburst and her boyfriend over. but when i did she half dodged the invitation, so i wasnt surprised when they diddnt show.
its annoying how life moves so fast that the people around you cant keep up. shit i can barely keep up but im forced to.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
many things to be thankful for
junes first thanksgiving was a sucess. we went and saw my side of the family this year which was good, i hadnt gone and seen them for years. my dad came along and jack drove, its always interesting to see them in the same vicinity. i feel like there is a mild tension between them like im the knot on the middle of a tug of war rope and they both have an end. in years past my dad lost the war, since i was only 15 and i moved out on my own to be with jack. still, they get along for the most part and things are pleasant and civil. visiting my family is a stressfull matter because of the smugness of it all. i hate to say it but they all have an uppidy attiude, that even as a young child i could sence. it is becasue of this, that my dad and i have avoided going to visit every holiday after i moved out. too much stress. we had to leave before their dinner was finnished cooking but we had another meal to attend so it wasnt a big deal. our second meal was at jacks side of the family and it was full of tension also. jacks adopted brother spade and his wife tanna are in the middle of a separation because of a domestic dispute ending in abuse and jail time. the drama continues as jacks mother blue is sided with tanna and refused to eat diner if spade attended. now, as if this isnt already like a weird soap opera... jacks father lionel is going through a separation with blue too and he is so devastated that he does anything he can to please her.... even though she is less than cordial in return. long story short, spade was not allowed to eat dinner with his family. i think thats really sad. " family means loving someone despite their faults " at least that is what i thought.
on a different subject, i got a responce from ariel. good thing i decided against the angry letter! lol it was really random and unexpected and now i am trying not to get my hopes up. she is the definition of hot and cold. and i really dont want her to lead me on this time. i feel so hopeless tho im such a sap. i just need to keep it together.
on a different subject, i got a responce from ariel. good thing i decided against the angry letter! lol it was really random and unexpected and now i am trying not to get my hopes up. she is the definition of hot and cold. and i really dont want her to lead me on this time. i feel so hopeless tho im such a sap. i just need to keep it together.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
babyshower
so i went to twilight and newmans baby shower today. it wasnt bad although i can say that i wish i would of got such great gifts at my shower! she got a boppy & a diaper geneie. lol lucky. leetle baby was fussy alot of the time and then took a nap at the end… so i missed out on some of the games but no biggie. jack stayed home and played his xbox.
in other news, we got an appartment! we will get to move out in dec so thats rly exciting… im so nervous tho. hopefully we can keep up with the bills.
although i had fun at the shower i also felt prety excluded. it sortof brought me down a bit that i was not inculded in any inside jokes or secrets... it felt like high school all over again and i was the wierd girl that followed other girls around. i had june to take care of so it distracted me enough to make it through tho. i swear its like these girls are still in that high school menatlity of gossip giggling and wispering. i rly think its immature but at the end of the day they are my only friends.
i wish i had other friends but i dont know how or where to make them....
in other news, we got an appartment! we will get to move out in dec so thats rly exciting… im so nervous tho. hopefully we can keep up with the bills.
although i had fun at the shower i also felt prety excluded. it sortof brought me down a bit that i was not inculded in any inside jokes or secrets... it felt like high school all over again and i was the wierd girl that followed other girls around. i had june to take care of so it distracted me enough to make it through tho. i swear its like these girls are still in that high school menatlity of gossip giggling and wispering. i rly think its immature but at the end of the day they are my only friends.
i wish i had other friends but i dont know how or where to make them....
its been a while...
original post date: November 10 2009
so, long time no talk. its been a year since my last post and boy how things have changed. My beautiful daughter was born in june of this year. she is now 5 months old and the light of my life. jack and i are still together, and although things are stressfull being such young parents we are doing well. i am now considered an adult in the eyes of the law and i can tell you that i honestly miss my childhood quite a bit now that its officialy gone. that being said, i am so happy with things . i am a stay at home mom while jack works most days. he and my daughter are my best friends.
i stil have not acted on my bi curiousness. obviously i had to put things on a slight hold while i was pregnant. one of the sad things are that a teen pregnancy can defenitly make your fake friends known. ariel stopped talking to me shortly after i told her about the pregnacy. the thing that really botheres me is the fact that i still think of her alot. i mean, dammit its been a year why cant i just forget about it?? despite her rude departure from my life i still try to contact her periodicly, but to be truthful im getting pretty fed up. i have been tempted to finaly just write her a letter asking her wtf her problem is. i know that if i think rationaly i should just forget about the whole thing but i just cant let it go.but i want her to tell me what i did to her, or at the very least admit that it was the pregnancy that made her write me off. at least if i know the real reason i can move on. its all just left up in the open and when i anylize the situation [over and over again] i just dont know what she was thinking. part of me is clinging to a tiny chance that she still thinks of me too, but it sickens me to admit it because she is such a bitch to me. god i just want to know so i can get the fuck over it.
i suppose all these angry & confused feelings just boil down to the issues that are my own, that controll how i percieve virtually every relationship around me. my issues ofcourse spawn from my mother dying when i was so young. my father quickly fell into his alchoholism deeper than ever before and abandoned me. i was forced to fend for myself most of my young childhood. yes, my fears stem from thoes years. i fear that i am wortless and unloveable which has directed me to act in such ways that are mostly harmful to myself.
despite internal things that have bothered me, there are things happening in the outside [of my mind] world that i’ll take note on. twilight is pregnant too. she and newman are expecting a little boy in december. now that twilight is pregnant we are supposed to be great friends, at least thats what she expects. i like her and think of her as a friend but i still remember how she treated me when i announced my pregnancy… she was thirlled at first of course, but as the novelty wore off i diddnt see her for months. and now that she is ecpecting, she also expects forgiveness? well, i forgave for the most part but i did not forget.
so, long time no talk. its been a year since my last post and boy how things have changed. My beautiful daughter was born in june of this year. she is now 5 months old and the light of my life. jack and i are still together, and although things are stressfull being such young parents we are doing well. i am now considered an adult in the eyes of the law and i can tell you that i honestly miss my childhood quite a bit now that its officialy gone. that being said, i am so happy with things . i am a stay at home mom while jack works most days. he and my daughter are my best friends.
i stil have not acted on my bi curiousness. obviously i had to put things on a slight hold while i was pregnant. one of the sad things are that a teen pregnancy can defenitly make your fake friends known. ariel stopped talking to me shortly after i told her about the pregnacy. the thing that really botheres me is the fact that i still think of her alot. i mean, dammit its been a year why cant i just forget about it?? despite her rude departure from my life i still try to contact her periodicly, but to be truthful im getting pretty fed up. i have been tempted to finaly just write her a letter asking her wtf her problem is. i know that if i think rationaly i should just forget about the whole thing but i just cant let it go.but i want her to tell me what i did to her, or at the very least admit that it was the pregnancy that made her write me off. at least if i know the real reason i can move on. its all just left up in the open and when i anylize the situation [over and over again] i just dont know what she was thinking. part of me is clinging to a tiny chance that she still thinks of me too, but it sickens me to admit it because she is such a bitch to me. god i just want to know so i can get the fuck over it.
i suppose all these angry & confused feelings just boil down to the issues that are my own, that controll how i percieve virtually every relationship around me. my issues ofcourse spawn from my mother dying when i was so young. my father quickly fell into his alchoholism deeper than ever before and abandoned me. i was forced to fend for myself most of my young childhood. yes, my fears stem from thoes years. i fear that i am wortless and unloveable which has directed me to act in such ways that are mostly harmful to myself.
despite internal things that have bothered me, there are things happening in the outside [of my mind] world that i’ll take note on. twilight is pregnant too. she and newman are expecting a little boy in december. now that twilight is pregnant we are supposed to be great friends, at least thats what she expects. i like her and think of her as a friend but i still remember how she treated me when i announced my pregnancy… she was thirlled at first of course, but as the novelty wore off i diddnt see her for months. and now that she is ecpecting, she also expects forgiveness? well, i forgave for the most part but i did not forget.
Surprise!
original post date: November 7 2008
okay, so i went to the doctor a couple of days ago and i got some interesting news… they drew my blood… asked a ton of questions… and long story short: i am pregnant. wow. and thats not even the shocker! but ill get to that… so halloween, it was fun… i dressed up as a punky princess.. and a few of my friends came. [just the normal group] ariel was invited but she diddnt come because her ex came to hang out with jack and she said it would have been akward…
[[ha i know what your thinking.. ariel again? yeah.. shes on my mind. i guess i just dont know wtf i want.]]
anyways ariel and i havnt really been talking much… just here and there… myspace, MSN and what not… but today i started talking to her she was on her cell and i was online… anyways its kinda funny but she just out and admitited that she had a crush on me. it came up because i was asking her about why she never came and hung out anymore.. she said it was because she felt wierd hanging out with the “gang” that she used to hang out with with her ex. i was alittle taken aback, so i asked her if that was the only reason she hung out with me… and she said, at first it was, but then she started to get a crush on me… right after that she kept saying “i cant beleive that i said that!” “im so embarrased”
[woah!]
i sent a “lol” and then, decided it was time for me to admit that i had a crush on her too… so i told her. lol i said no worries cause im in the same boat. we went on to talk about how her boyfriend had asked her about threesomes, and who she would want to have one with…. and she could only think of one person… {me} hehehe. she said that she told him that “there are some fantacies that he cant fulful because of his gender” HA! i definetly know how she feels. so that was when she realized her feelings.. i wanted to keep talking on that subject, but it shifted and then we dropped it. i wish i could think of a way to bring it up again… but idk. girls are so much more complicated than guys… at least it seems like that.
~~and as for starburst, well she and i are more friend types.. and honestly i really do value her as a friend. i can probably talk to her about anything, infact she is the only person besides jack and my dad that knows about the pending baby… its hard tho because im worried about if she likes me. then ill have to let her down…. its a situation that i have never been in before.. she guessed that i liked ariel tho… and i denyd it. ~~
i think i figured out why i said i diddnt like ariel anymore, and its because i was so frustrated. frustrated about having feelings that i couldnt act on. so i tried to not feel them anymore, i guess to make it easier on myself.. but i cant lie to myself forever.. so idk.
i am so terrified to tell ariel about the baby. what if i tell her, and shes like disgusted with me or something… im not a slut but i am worried what she will think. i have been with jack for 2 years now… and i will eventually marry him… idk i am just so afraid. and i am feeling a bit trapped in a way. not that im not excited for the baby… its just in my fantacies, there wasnt a screaming infant involved, if you know what i mean.
maybe ill be a cool pregnant girl like juno. either that or ill be infamous from it like britney spears or something.. not to mention the fact that im terrified that i wont find the money to do this. and yes if you havent already guessed im keeping the baby… i dont want an abortion.. [not for me, but i am pro-choice]
okay, so yeah.. thats a little catch up. i pretty much am clueless as to what i am going to do. all i can do is *hope*
hope that ariel dosent hate me.
hope that i figure out the money situation.
hope that everything dosent fall apart…..
okay, so i went to the doctor a couple of days ago and i got some interesting news… they drew my blood… asked a ton of questions… and long story short: i am pregnant. wow. and thats not even the shocker! but ill get to that… so halloween, it was fun… i dressed up as a punky princess.. and a few of my friends came. [just the normal group] ariel was invited but she diddnt come because her ex came to hang out with jack and she said it would have been akward…
[[ha i know what your thinking.. ariel again? yeah.. shes on my mind. i guess i just dont know wtf i want.]]
anyways ariel and i havnt really been talking much… just here and there… myspace, MSN and what not… but today i started talking to her she was on her cell and i was online… anyways its kinda funny but she just out and admitited that she had a crush on me. it came up because i was asking her about why she never came and hung out anymore.. she said it was because she felt wierd hanging out with the “gang” that she used to hang out with with her ex. i was alittle taken aback, so i asked her if that was the only reason she hung out with me… and she said, at first it was, but then she started to get a crush on me… right after that she kept saying “i cant beleive that i said that!” “im so embarrased”
[woah!]
i sent a “lol” and then, decided it was time for me to admit that i had a crush on her too… so i told her. lol i said no worries cause im in the same boat. we went on to talk about how her boyfriend had asked her about threesomes, and who she would want to have one with…. and she could only think of one person… {me} hehehe. she said that she told him that “there are some fantacies that he cant fulful because of his gender” HA! i definetly know how she feels. so that was when she realized her feelings.. i wanted to keep talking on that subject, but it shifted and then we dropped it. i wish i could think of a way to bring it up again… but idk. girls are so much more complicated than guys… at least it seems like that.
~~and as for starburst, well she and i are more friend types.. and honestly i really do value her as a friend. i can probably talk to her about anything, infact she is the only person besides jack and my dad that knows about the pending baby… its hard tho because im worried about if she likes me. then ill have to let her down…. its a situation that i have never been in before.. she guessed that i liked ariel tho… and i denyd it. ~~
i think i figured out why i said i diddnt like ariel anymore, and its because i was so frustrated. frustrated about having feelings that i couldnt act on. so i tried to not feel them anymore, i guess to make it easier on myself.. but i cant lie to myself forever.. so idk.
i am so terrified to tell ariel about the baby. what if i tell her, and shes like disgusted with me or something… im not a slut but i am worried what she will think. i have been with jack for 2 years now… and i will eventually marry him… idk i am just so afraid. and i am feeling a bit trapped in a way. not that im not excited for the baby… its just in my fantacies, there wasnt a screaming infant involved, if you know what i mean.
maybe ill be a cool pregnant girl like juno. either that or ill be infamous from it like britney spears or something.. not to mention the fact that im terrified that i wont find the money to do this. and yes if you havent already guessed im keeping the baby… i dont want an abortion.. [not for me, but i am pro-choice]
okay, so yeah.. thats a little catch up. i pretty much am clueless as to what i am going to do. all i can do is *hope*
hope that ariel dosent hate me.
hope that i figure out the money situation.
hope that everything dosent fall apart…..
thinking
original post date: October 15 2008
so i quit my job last week. people just get on my nerves.
so i pretty much have nothing to do now during the day, accept art projects and writing… but it gets lonely.
right now im working on some faux grave stones [made out of cement filled house siding] for a halloween party that im having. im going to put the names of all the guests on the stones and put them in the yard like a cemetary… how morbid right?haha. i made some signs that are halloween themed too… i bought 5 pumpkins yesterday too, i like carving them.. im kinda an art nerd i guess.
meanwhile, i have been job hunting … i put in a resume at a petstore, and i have been going to other pet stores to see if they might be hiring also, but most have said no. there is an animal grooming opening at petsmart but idk if i really want to get myself into that… i’ll either love it or hate it and im afraid of the second one….
lately i have been wathing alot of television shows on the internet. family guy, simpsons… lol pretty much. [ www.hulu.com ] i wish i could just get the job of my deams RIGHT now but its sooo hard. i really do feel like a bum right now, so hopefully ill get hired somewhere soon. i just hope ill have money to buy christmas presents for everyone.
so i quit my job last week. people just get on my nerves.
so i pretty much have nothing to do now during the day, accept art projects and writing… but it gets lonely.
right now im working on some faux grave stones [made out of cement filled house siding] for a halloween party that im having. im going to put the names of all the guests on the stones and put them in the yard like a cemetary… how morbid right?haha. i made some signs that are halloween themed too… i bought 5 pumpkins yesterday too, i like carving them.. im kinda an art nerd i guess.
meanwhile, i have been job hunting … i put in a resume at a petstore, and i have been going to other pet stores to see if they might be hiring also, but most have said no. there is an animal grooming opening at petsmart but idk if i really want to get myself into that… i’ll either love it or hate it and im afraid of the second one….
lately i have been wathing alot of television shows on the internet. family guy, simpsons… lol pretty much. [ www.hulu.com ] i wish i could just get the job of my deams RIGHT now but its sooo hard. i really do feel like a bum right now, so hopefully ill get hired somewhere soon. i just hope ill have money to buy christmas presents for everyone.
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