junes first thanksgiving was a sucess. we went and saw my side of the family this year which was good, i hadnt gone and seen them for years. my dad came along and jack drove, its always interesting to see them in the same vicinity. i feel like there is a mild tension between them like im the knot on the middle of a tug of war rope and they both have an end. in years past my dad lost the war, since i was only 15 and i moved out on my own to be with jack. still, they get along for the most part and things are pleasant and civil. visiting my family is a stressfull matter because of the smugness of it all. i hate to say it but they all have an uppidy attiude, that even as a young child i could sence. it is becasue of this, that my dad and i have avoided going to visit every holiday after i moved out. too much stress. we had to leave before their dinner was finnished cooking but we had another meal to attend so it wasnt a big deal. our second meal was at jacks side of the family and it was full of tension also. jacks adopted brother spade and his wife tanna are in the middle of a separation because of a domestic dispute ending in abuse and jail time. the drama continues as jacks mother blue is sided with tanna and refused to eat diner if spade attended. now, as if this isnt already like a weird soap opera... jacks father lionel is going through a separation with blue too and he is so devastated that he does anything he can to please her.... even though she is less than cordial in return. long story short, spade was not allowed to eat dinner with his family. i think thats really sad. " family means loving someone despite their faults " at least that is what i thought.
on a different subject, i got a responce from ariel. good thing i decided against the angry letter! lol it was really random and unexpected and now i am trying not to get my hopes up. she is the definition of hot and cold. and i really dont want her to lead me on this time. i feel so hopeless tho im such a sap. i just need to keep it together.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
babyshower
so i went to twilight and newmans baby shower today. it wasnt bad although i can say that i wish i would of got such great gifts at my shower! she got a boppy & a diaper geneie. lol lucky. leetle baby was fussy alot of the time and then took a nap at the end… so i missed out on some of the games but no biggie. jack stayed home and played his xbox.
in other news, we got an appartment! we will get to move out in dec so thats rly exciting… im so nervous tho. hopefully we can keep up with the bills.
although i had fun at the shower i also felt prety excluded. it sortof brought me down a bit that i was not inculded in any inside jokes or secrets... it felt like high school all over again and i was the wierd girl that followed other girls around. i had june to take care of so it distracted me enough to make it through tho. i swear its like these girls are still in that high school menatlity of gossip giggling and wispering. i rly think its immature but at the end of the day they are my only friends.
i wish i had other friends but i dont know how or where to make them....
in other news, we got an appartment! we will get to move out in dec so thats rly exciting… im so nervous tho. hopefully we can keep up with the bills.
although i had fun at the shower i also felt prety excluded. it sortof brought me down a bit that i was not inculded in any inside jokes or secrets... it felt like high school all over again and i was the wierd girl that followed other girls around. i had june to take care of so it distracted me enough to make it through tho. i swear its like these girls are still in that high school menatlity of gossip giggling and wispering. i rly think its immature but at the end of the day they are my only friends.
i wish i had other friends but i dont know how or where to make them....
its been a while...
original post date: November 10 2009
so, long time no talk. its been a year since my last post and boy how things have changed. My beautiful daughter was born in june of this year. she is now 5 months old and the light of my life. jack and i are still together, and although things are stressfull being such young parents we are doing well. i am now considered an adult in the eyes of the law and i can tell you that i honestly miss my childhood quite a bit now that its officialy gone. that being said, i am so happy with things . i am a stay at home mom while jack works most days. he and my daughter are my best friends.
i stil have not acted on my bi curiousness. obviously i had to put things on a slight hold while i was pregnant. one of the sad things are that a teen pregnancy can defenitly make your fake friends known. ariel stopped talking to me shortly after i told her about the pregnacy. the thing that really botheres me is the fact that i still think of her alot. i mean, dammit its been a year why cant i just forget about it?? despite her rude departure from my life i still try to contact her periodicly, but to be truthful im getting pretty fed up. i have been tempted to finaly just write her a letter asking her wtf her problem is. i know that if i think rationaly i should just forget about the whole thing but i just cant let it go.but i want her to tell me what i did to her, or at the very least admit that it was the pregnancy that made her write me off. at least if i know the real reason i can move on. its all just left up in the open and when i anylize the situation [over and over again] i just dont know what she was thinking. part of me is clinging to a tiny chance that she still thinks of me too, but it sickens me to admit it because she is such a bitch to me. god i just want to know so i can get the fuck over it.
i suppose all these angry & confused feelings just boil down to the issues that are my own, that controll how i percieve virtually every relationship around me. my issues ofcourse spawn from my mother dying when i was so young. my father quickly fell into his alchoholism deeper than ever before and abandoned me. i was forced to fend for myself most of my young childhood. yes, my fears stem from thoes years. i fear that i am wortless and unloveable which has directed me to act in such ways that are mostly harmful to myself.
despite internal things that have bothered me, there are things happening in the outside [of my mind] world that i’ll take note on. twilight is pregnant too. she and newman are expecting a little boy in december. now that twilight is pregnant we are supposed to be great friends, at least thats what she expects. i like her and think of her as a friend but i still remember how she treated me when i announced my pregnancy… she was thirlled at first of course, but as the novelty wore off i diddnt see her for months. and now that she is ecpecting, she also expects forgiveness? well, i forgave for the most part but i did not forget.
so, long time no talk. its been a year since my last post and boy how things have changed. My beautiful daughter was born in june of this year. she is now 5 months old and the light of my life. jack and i are still together, and although things are stressfull being such young parents we are doing well. i am now considered an adult in the eyes of the law and i can tell you that i honestly miss my childhood quite a bit now that its officialy gone. that being said, i am so happy with things . i am a stay at home mom while jack works most days. he and my daughter are my best friends.
i stil have not acted on my bi curiousness. obviously i had to put things on a slight hold while i was pregnant. one of the sad things are that a teen pregnancy can defenitly make your fake friends known. ariel stopped talking to me shortly after i told her about the pregnacy. the thing that really botheres me is the fact that i still think of her alot. i mean, dammit its been a year why cant i just forget about it?? despite her rude departure from my life i still try to contact her periodicly, but to be truthful im getting pretty fed up. i have been tempted to finaly just write her a letter asking her wtf her problem is. i know that if i think rationaly i should just forget about the whole thing but i just cant let it go.but i want her to tell me what i did to her, or at the very least admit that it was the pregnancy that made her write me off. at least if i know the real reason i can move on. its all just left up in the open and when i anylize the situation [over and over again] i just dont know what she was thinking. part of me is clinging to a tiny chance that she still thinks of me too, but it sickens me to admit it because she is such a bitch to me. god i just want to know so i can get the fuck over it.
i suppose all these angry & confused feelings just boil down to the issues that are my own, that controll how i percieve virtually every relationship around me. my issues ofcourse spawn from my mother dying when i was so young. my father quickly fell into his alchoholism deeper than ever before and abandoned me. i was forced to fend for myself most of my young childhood. yes, my fears stem from thoes years. i fear that i am wortless and unloveable which has directed me to act in such ways that are mostly harmful to myself.
despite internal things that have bothered me, there are things happening in the outside [of my mind] world that i’ll take note on. twilight is pregnant too. she and newman are expecting a little boy in december. now that twilight is pregnant we are supposed to be great friends, at least thats what she expects. i like her and think of her as a friend but i still remember how she treated me when i announced my pregnancy… she was thirlled at first of course, but as the novelty wore off i diddnt see her for months. and now that she is ecpecting, she also expects forgiveness? well, i forgave for the most part but i did not forget.
Surprise!
original post date: November 7 2008
okay, so i went to the doctor a couple of days ago and i got some interesting news… they drew my blood… asked a ton of questions… and long story short: i am pregnant. wow. and thats not even the shocker! but ill get to that… so halloween, it was fun… i dressed up as a punky princess.. and a few of my friends came. [just the normal group] ariel was invited but she diddnt come because her ex came to hang out with jack and she said it would have been akward…
[[ha i know what your thinking.. ariel again? yeah.. shes on my mind. i guess i just dont know wtf i want.]]
anyways ariel and i havnt really been talking much… just here and there… myspace, MSN and what not… but today i started talking to her she was on her cell and i was online… anyways its kinda funny but she just out and admitited that she had a crush on me. it came up because i was asking her about why she never came and hung out anymore.. she said it was because she felt wierd hanging out with the “gang” that she used to hang out with with her ex. i was alittle taken aback, so i asked her if that was the only reason she hung out with me… and she said, at first it was, but then she started to get a crush on me… right after that she kept saying “i cant beleive that i said that!” “im so embarrased”
[woah!]
i sent a “lol” and then, decided it was time for me to admit that i had a crush on her too… so i told her. lol i said no worries cause im in the same boat. we went on to talk about how her boyfriend had asked her about threesomes, and who she would want to have one with…. and she could only think of one person… {me} hehehe. she said that she told him that “there are some fantacies that he cant fulful because of his gender” HA! i definetly know how she feels. so that was when she realized her feelings.. i wanted to keep talking on that subject, but it shifted and then we dropped it. i wish i could think of a way to bring it up again… but idk. girls are so much more complicated than guys… at least it seems like that.
~~and as for starburst, well she and i are more friend types.. and honestly i really do value her as a friend. i can probably talk to her about anything, infact she is the only person besides jack and my dad that knows about the pending baby… its hard tho because im worried about if she likes me. then ill have to let her down…. its a situation that i have never been in before.. she guessed that i liked ariel tho… and i denyd it. ~~
i think i figured out why i said i diddnt like ariel anymore, and its because i was so frustrated. frustrated about having feelings that i couldnt act on. so i tried to not feel them anymore, i guess to make it easier on myself.. but i cant lie to myself forever.. so idk.
i am so terrified to tell ariel about the baby. what if i tell her, and shes like disgusted with me or something… im not a slut but i am worried what she will think. i have been with jack for 2 years now… and i will eventually marry him… idk i am just so afraid. and i am feeling a bit trapped in a way. not that im not excited for the baby… its just in my fantacies, there wasnt a screaming infant involved, if you know what i mean.
maybe ill be a cool pregnant girl like juno. either that or ill be infamous from it like britney spears or something.. not to mention the fact that im terrified that i wont find the money to do this. and yes if you havent already guessed im keeping the baby… i dont want an abortion.. [not for me, but i am pro-choice]
okay, so yeah.. thats a little catch up. i pretty much am clueless as to what i am going to do. all i can do is *hope*
hope that ariel dosent hate me.
hope that i figure out the money situation.
hope that everything dosent fall apart…..
okay, so i went to the doctor a couple of days ago and i got some interesting news… they drew my blood… asked a ton of questions… and long story short: i am pregnant. wow. and thats not even the shocker! but ill get to that… so halloween, it was fun… i dressed up as a punky princess.. and a few of my friends came. [just the normal group] ariel was invited but she diddnt come because her ex came to hang out with jack and she said it would have been akward…
[[ha i know what your thinking.. ariel again? yeah.. shes on my mind. i guess i just dont know wtf i want.]]
anyways ariel and i havnt really been talking much… just here and there… myspace, MSN and what not… but today i started talking to her she was on her cell and i was online… anyways its kinda funny but she just out and admitited that she had a crush on me. it came up because i was asking her about why she never came and hung out anymore.. she said it was because she felt wierd hanging out with the “gang” that she used to hang out with with her ex. i was alittle taken aback, so i asked her if that was the only reason she hung out with me… and she said, at first it was, but then she started to get a crush on me… right after that she kept saying “i cant beleive that i said that!” “im so embarrased”
[woah!]
i sent a “lol” and then, decided it was time for me to admit that i had a crush on her too… so i told her. lol i said no worries cause im in the same boat. we went on to talk about how her boyfriend had asked her about threesomes, and who she would want to have one with…. and she could only think of one person… {me} hehehe. she said that she told him that “there are some fantacies that he cant fulful because of his gender” HA! i definetly know how she feels. so that was when she realized her feelings.. i wanted to keep talking on that subject, but it shifted and then we dropped it. i wish i could think of a way to bring it up again… but idk. girls are so much more complicated than guys… at least it seems like that.
~~and as for starburst, well she and i are more friend types.. and honestly i really do value her as a friend. i can probably talk to her about anything, infact she is the only person besides jack and my dad that knows about the pending baby… its hard tho because im worried about if she likes me. then ill have to let her down…. its a situation that i have never been in before.. she guessed that i liked ariel tho… and i denyd it. ~~
i think i figured out why i said i diddnt like ariel anymore, and its because i was so frustrated. frustrated about having feelings that i couldnt act on. so i tried to not feel them anymore, i guess to make it easier on myself.. but i cant lie to myself forever.. so idk.
i am so terrified to tell ariel about the baby. what if i tell her, and shes like disgusted with me or something… im not a slut but i am worried what she will think. i have been with jack for 2 years now… and i will eventually marry him… idk i am just so afraid. and i am feeling a bit trapped in a way. not that im not excited for the baby… its just in my fantacies, there wasnt a screaming infant involved, if you know what i mean.
maybe ill be a cool pregnant girl like juno. either that or ill be infamous from it like britney spears or something.. not to mention the fact that im terrified that i wont find the money to do this. and yes if you havent already guessed im keeping the baby… i dont want an abortion.. [not for me, but i am pro-choice]
okay, so yeah.. thats a little catch up. i pretty much am clueless as to what i am going to do. all i can do is *hope*
hope that ariel dosent hate me.
hope that i figure out the money situation.
hope that everything dosent fall apart…..
thinking
original post date: October 15 2008
so i quit my job last week. people just get on my nerves.
so i pretty much have nothing to do now during the day, accept art projects and writing… but it gets lonely.
right now im working on some faux grave stones [made out of cement filled house siding] for a halloween party that im having. im going to put the names of all the guests on the stones and put them in the yard like a cemetary… how morbid right?haha. i made some signs that are halloween themed too… i bought 5 pumpkins yesterday too, i like carving them.. im kinda an art nerd i guess.
meanwhile, i have been job hunting … i put in a resume at a petstore, and i have been going to other pet stores to see if they might be hiring also, but most have said no. there is an animal grooming opening at petsmart but idk if i really want to get myself into that… i’ll either love it or hate it and im afraid of the second one….
lately i have been wathing alot of television shows on the internet. family guy, simpsons… lol pretty much. [ www.hulu.com ] i wish i could just get the job of my deams RIGHT now but its sooo hard. i really do feel like a bum right now, so hopefully ill get hired somewhere soon. i just hope ill have money to buy christmas presents for everyone.
so i quit my job last week. people just get on my nerves.
so i pretty much have nothing to do now during the day, accept art projects and writing… but it gets lonely.
right now im working on some faux grave stones [made out of cement filled house siding] for a halloween party that im having. im going to put the names of all the guests on the stones and put them in the yard like a cemetary… how morbid right?haha. i made some signs that are halloween themed too… i bought 5 pumpkins yesterday too, i like carving them.. im kinda an art nerd i guess.
meanwhile, i have been job hunting … i put in a resume at a petstore, and i have been going to other pet stores to see if they might be hiring also, but most have said no. there is an animal grooming opening at petsmart but idk if i really want to get myself into that… i’ll either love it or hate it and im afraid of the second one….
lately i have been wathing alot of television shows on the internet. family guy, simpsons… lol pretty much. [ www.hulu.com ] i wish i could just get the job of my deams RIGHT now but its sooo hard. i really do feel like a bum right now, so hopefully ill get hired somewhere soon. i just hope ill have money to buy christmas presents for everyone.
pink hearts black pearls
original post date: October 6 2008
okay. so its like i want to just go out and say it but im embarrased. [afraid of being judged?] but, after all i am here to write my life. so here goes.
i dont like her anymore. there i said it. its so funny, but it feels like im betreying you for saying that, letting you down… i mean, ariel is my inspiration for this blog, this word vomit of mine but in the end, seasons pass and feelings change. i think that its good. i am happy. i set myself free in a way.. shes not bi, and i have come to terms with that… if i was to devote myself to her, then there would always be that chance that she wouldnt feel the same. last night i gave her her birthday present. she really liked it, and even though i poured my heart out to her in the card i gave her [diddnt tell her the secret] she brushed it off. that kind of thing hurts..
i have decided that i should move on. and i am glad that i never really out and told her. we both hinted at times, but she is happy with her boyfriend. and thats just fine.
jack and i threw a party lastnight and she was here, along with twilight, lollie, camo, and starburst.
i work with twilight everyday, she is a good friend. lollie is twilights best friend, at least while camo is in the army. she will be gone for 3 years when she leaves next week.
starburst just stopped by, she has strict parents and they said she couldnt come to the party, so she went to a different friends house instead. [parent approved] while she was over, i gave her a bracelet that has pink hearts on it, and little black pearls. i have a dark pink one, and she has the light pink one…. anyways, she told me that i looked hot. [ i was wearing gogo boots, pink diamond fishnets, a black pleated mini skirt and a green shirt with stars on it..]
she loves stars.
i talked to her about sexuality before, when i liked ariel.. so i know that she is bi. i diddnt tell her who, but i needed to talk so i vented to her about it.. and she said, “im not going to lie to you, i like boys and girls too.”
so.
where to go from here?
jack said that he isnt comfortable with me dating another girl. he just wants me to “hook up” with them. idk what that means. but im not going to give him his satisfaction. he cant get his cake and eat it too. thats not how life works. and its not fair.
so maybe i like her now. idk im trying not to anylize it. shes just so different than ariel:
starburst:
friendly
easy to talk to
cute
bi
touches me, my leg, face, hands ect.
smokes pot. [i think thats hot]
ariel
hard to talk to
shy
busy
straight
has a boyfriend
really reserved and we only hugged once.
kinda too straight edge for me…
not that starburst dosent have flaws. but everyone does. right? she is young. 3 years younger than me. should that matter?
anyways. this is the update. i hope it diddnt shock you too bad. hahaha
on another note, i am VERY excited for halloween. i have had my costume since september and i cant wait to have a halloween party. so ill keep you posed on that. hopefully starburst can come. we will see.
the trip to kansas was very boring by the way. long and boring and i cant remember if i have mentioned it yet in my blog, but to keep the excitement up i wont talk about it much, just enough to explain that there was lots of country music, bugs and fields.
okay, that is it. talk to you all again very soon.
Avery
okay. so its like i want to just go out and say it but im embarrased. [afraid of being judged?] but, after all i am here to write my life. so here goes.
i dont like her anymore. there i said it. its so funny, but it feels like im betreying you for saying that, letting you down… i mean, ariel is my inspiration for this blog, this word vomit of mine but in the end, seasons pass and feelings change. i think that its good. i am happy. i set myself free in a way.. shes not bi, and i have come to terms with that… if i was to devote myself to her, then there would always be that chance that she wouldnt feel the same. last night i gave her her birthday present. she really liked it, and even though i poured my heart out to her in the card i gave her [diddnt tell her the secret] she brushed it off. that kind of thing hurts..
i have decided that i should move on. and i am glad that i never really out and told her. we both hinted at times, but she is happy with her boyfriend. and thats just fine.
jack and i threw a party lastnight and she was here, along with twilight, lollie, camo, and starburst.
i work with twilight everyday, she is a good friend. lollie is twilights best friend, at least while camo is in the army. she will be gone for 3 years when she leaves next week.
starburst just stopped by, she has strict parents and they said she couldnt come to the party, so she went to a different friends house instead. [parent approved] while she was over, i gave her a bracelet that has pink hearts on it, and little black pearls. i have a dark pink one, and she has the light pink one…. anyways, she told me that i looked hot. [ i was wearing gogo boots, pink diamond fishnets, a black pleated mini skirt and a green shirt with stars on it..]
she loves stars.
i talked to her about sexuality before, when i liked ariel.. so i know that she is bi. i diddnt tell her who, but i needed to talk so i vented to her about it.. and she said, “im not going to lie to you, i like boys and girls too.”
so.
where to go from here?
jack said that he isnt comfortable with me dating another girl. he just wants me to “hook up” with them. idk what that means. but im not going to give him his satisfaction. he cant get his cake and eat it too. thats not how life works. and its not fair.
so maybe i like her now. idk im trying not to anylize it. shes just so different than ariel:
starburst:
friendly
easy to talk to
cute
bi
touches me, my leg, face, hands ect.
smokes pot. [i think thats hot]
ariel
hard to talk to
shy
busy
straight
has a boyfriend
really reserved and we only hugged once.
kinda too straight edge for me…
not that starburst dosent have flaws. but everyone does. right? she is young. 3 years younger than me. should that matter?
anyways. this is the update. i hope it diddnt shock you too bad. hahaha
on another note, i am VERY excited for halloween. i have had my costume since september and i cant wait to have a halloween party. so ill keep you posed on that. hopefully starburst can come. we will see.
the trip to kansas was very boring by the way. long and boring and i cant remember if i have mentioned it yet in my blog, but to keep the excitement up i wont talk about it much, just enough to explain that there was lots of country music, bugs and fields.
okay, that is it. talk to you all again very soon.
Avery
in love with love
original post date: October 2 2008
so she came over before i left for kansas. she stayed for only a few minutes… and half of the time she was here, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. fuck, i wanted to tell her then… but i just couldnt bring myself to say it. couldnt even think of how to bring it up.
so the trip to kansas was really boring. flat. farmland. i missed home really bad, hah maybe it made me realize that where i live isnt that bad after all.
her birthday is october 10, and were havin a party for her on the 11th. so far 3 girls incl. her are coming, and then 4 of jacks friends. it should be fun. accept i dont know what to get her for her birthday… any suggestions??
so yeah, she still dosent know. and idk what i want anymore. its gonna take time, if i choose to try and recruit her. hahah. but if i decide to stay friends and keep this secret, well then… what? i dont know…. hah.
also, jack and me have been aruging a lil bit more lately then i would like. i guess ill just have to try harder?
so she came over before i left for kansas. she stayed for only a few minutes… and half of the time she was here, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. fuck, i wanted to tell her then… but i just couldnt bring myself to say it. couldnt even think of how to bring it up.
so the trip to kansas was really boring. flat. farmland. i missed home really bad, hah maybe it made me realize that where i live isnt that bad after all.
her birthday is october 10, and were havin a party for her on the 11th. so far 3 girls incl. her are coming, and then 4 of jacks friends. it should be fun. accept i dont know what to get her for her birthday… any suggestions??
so yeah, she still dosent know. and idk what i want anymore. its gonna take time, if i choose to try and recruit her. hahah. but if i decide to stay friends and keep this secret, well then… what? i dont know…. hah.
also, jack and me have been aruging a lil bit more lately then i would like. i guess ill just have to try harder?
lies
original post date: September 24 2008
so i she just found out that her ex was cheating on her for 3 months. god, shes a mess and im the first person that she calls. her voice was all shaky, broken. i want to kill that slutty girl the ex was with. fucking little home wrecker. she pounced on my boyo during our separation. but thats not the point. i want ariel to feel better. i want her to see that i am here. it sucks the most tho cause.. i cant tell her how i feel about her! soo incredibly frustrating. you have no idea…
i am flying to kansas in two days. ill be gone for a week.. hopefully the time alone will give me some peace to think about the whole situation…
so i she just found out that her ex was cheating on her for 3 months. god, shes a mess and im the first person that she calls. her voice was all shaky, broken. i want to kill that slutty girl the ex was with. fucking little home wrecker. she pounced on my boyo during our separation. but thats not the point. i want ariel to feel better. i want her to see that i am here. it sucks the most tho cause.. i cant tell her how i feel about her! soo incredibly frustrating. you have no idea…
i am flying to kansas in two days. ill be gone for a week.. hopefully the time alone will give me some peace to think about the whole situation…
Ariel
original post date: September 22 2008
okay so now I’m going to tell you about her. I met her through jack, he is friends with her now ex-boyfriend. We used to hang out all the time when they were dating because they were our couple friends. We would go the movies, hot tub parties, play board games. It was cool. I had a lot of fun. Until one night we were in the hot tub and the boys decided that they wanted to play truth or dare. So I went along with it… It didn’t take long till we were all naked. I kind of foresaw it but I wasn’t sure till they started daring me and her to do things to each other. Long story short, I liked the outcome. Accept I was too shy to kiss her… that was a long time ago though. And now that her and her ex broke up she doesn’t come around as much. I think about her a lot, and it’s becoming bothersome because my thoughts are going nowhere. I can’t act on it in my head and if I told her in real life that I like her, then what? Would she be scared away? Or instantly like me too? So there’s my dilemma. I’m not sure what to do. All I can do is be her friend and its killing me. she has beautiful red hair, and deep brown eyes. theres something about her that i am just attracted to like a magnet. and its more than just sex, its her i want her all of her to myself. she dates these boys that dont know how to treat a lady and i see how much it hurts her. but, how will i ever know if she is interested?
okay so now I’m going to tell you about her. I met her through jack, he is friends with her now ex-boyfriend. We used to hang out all the time when they were dating because they were our couple friends. We would go the movies, hot tub parties, play board games. It was cool. I had a lot of fun. Until one night we were in the hot tub and the boys decided that they wanted to play truth or dare. So I went along with it… It didn’t take long till we were all naked. I kind of foresaw it but I wasn’t sure till they started daring me and her to do things to each other. Long story short, I liked the outcome. Accept I was too shy to kiss her… that was a long time ago though. And now that her and her ex broke up she doesn’t come around as much. I think about her a lot, and it’s becoming bothersome because my thoughts are going nowhere. I can’t act on it in my head and if I told her in real life that I like her, then what? Would she be scared away? Or instantly like me too? So there’s my dilemma. I’m not sure what to do. All I can do is be her friend and its killing me. she has beautiful red hair, and deep brown eyes. theres something about her that i am just attracted to like a magnet. and its more than just sex, its her i want her all of her to myself. she dates these boys that dont know how to treat a lady and i see how much it hurts her. but, how will i ever know if she is interested?
in the begining
origional post date: September 22 2008
okay, so now i come to the main reason that i am writing. i like girls. at least i think i do…
ever since i was a little kid, i have had this wierd thing where i would pick “the girl i liked” out of every group of girls i saw. like when i saw girls on tv, i would choose the one that i though was prettiest, the best assets, hair ect. everytime. i diddnt think of it as anything.. as a matter of fact i though it was normal.. that everyone did it. now that im older i realize that maybe thats not the case… when i look at girls now, its not the prettiest that im picking out.. i think its the girls that im attracted to. [but please excuse me, im new at this.] i dont really know whats going on. i am very confused.
i have always been in long term relationship with males, i have never been with a girl although i have thought about it. i have had 4 serious relationships.
when i was dating number 1 it was puppy love for sure. there was nothing abnormal about the relationship accept maybe that he was abusive. we never foold around more that makeing out ect. and it was fine. i got “horny” i was attracted to him and what not. females werent on my mind at all. we dated for a 11 months.
boy number 2 was my first love. i lost my virginity to him and he broke my heart. he was into smoking pot, which i wasnt into at all, and eventually it broke us apart. not to mention i was very immature, needy, clingy.. a guys worst nightmare. we dated for 6 months.
boy number 3 is the one i am with now. he was the boy that i saved. from depression, drugs, and alchoholism… i was his angel. at least i like to think of it that way. when we met he was with another girl. but at the time i wasnt ready for a relationship, i was still broken up about number 2.. he decided that he wanted to be with me, so he broke it off with his girl and him and i started hanging out more often. i made him wait a month before i decided to date him exclusively. but as things seem to do, the relationship seemd to decay a bit after a year so i broke it off.
then i met number 4. a friend introduced me to him and he was so unlike anyone i had ever been with. he was a hippy. dreadlocked hair, bob marley fan. i was vulnerable. i wasnt planning on dating anyone for a while at least but it was like he loved me instantly. i dont even know how it happend. he was the one that got me to smoke pot the first time. i dont know if i did it for him or for me? but whatever the reason… after that first time i did it all the time, with him. he wasnt a bad guy, his only downfall was he liked mary jane alittle too much. i needed a man that put me as his top lady.. and in that relationship it wasnt happening. so i ended it.
after that realatinonship ended i was in a pretty deep depression. it seemed like nothing was going quite my way and i felt very isolated. all these boys that claimed that they loved me so much had no problem dissapearing when the moment came. idk, but if you ask me.. thats not love, i dont know what it is. cowardice? maybe. all i knew is that i was alone. abandonded. so i started writing alot. and took solice in music and lyric. i stayed in my room all day long. diddnt talk to anyone really, accept my dad when he was sober. [rare]
then boy number 3 called me out of the blue. talked to me, invited me to hang out. i ws so relieved that at least one person in the world cared about where i was and what i was doing. i fell back in love. i house sat for him and his family during christmas. and i never left.
that pretty much explains how i got where i am. it sounds so simplified on paper. ha. if only.
while dating [ill call him jack] i got friends. i got a job. i got out of my depression.
he saved me. like i saved him. and i do love him. he has always been super supportive. and hwne i told him that i had dreams about being with girls. he told me to go for it. and that he would never judge me, and he would always be here for me.
so now im here, in the now. and i am stranded. i dont have any idea what to do.
okay, so now i come to the main reason that i am writing. i like girls. at least i think i do…
ever since i was a little kid, i have had this wierd thing where i would pick “the girl i liked” out of every group of girls i saw. like when i saw girls on tv, i would choose the one that i though was prettiest, the best assets, hair ect. everytime. i diddnt think of it as anything.. as a matter of fact i though it was normal.. that everyone did it. now that im older i realize that maybe thats not the case… when i look at girls now, its not the prettiest that im picking out.. i think its the girls that im attracted to. [but please excuse me, im new at this.] i dont really know whats going on. i am very confused.
i have always been in long term relationship with males, i have never been with a girl although i have thought about it. i have had 4 serious relationships.
when i was dating number 1 it was puppy love for sure. there was nothing abnormal about the relationship accept maybe that he was abusive. we never foold around more that makeing out ect. and it was fine. i got “horny” i was attracted to him and what not. females werent on my mind at all. we dated for a 11 months.
boy number 2 was my first love. i lost my virginity to him and he broke my heart. he was into smoking pot, which i wasnt into at all, and eventually it broke us apart. not to mention i was very immature, needy, clingy.. a guys worst nightmare. we dated for 6 months.
boy number 3 is the one i am with now. he was the boy that i saved. from depression, drugs, and alchoholism… i was his angel. at least i like to think of it that way. when we met he was with another girl. but at the time i wasnt ready for a relationship, i was still broken up about number 2.. he decided that he wanted to be with me, so he broke it off with his girl and him and i started hanging out more often. i made him wait a month before i decided to date him exclusively. but as things seem to do, the relationship seemd to decay a bit after a year so i broke it off.
then i met number 4. a friend introduced me to him and he was so unlike anyone i had ever been with. he was a hippy. dreadlocked hair, bob marley fan. i was vulnerable. i wasnt planning on dating anyone for a while at least but it was like he loved me instantly. i dont even know how it happend. he was the one that got me to smoke pot the first time. i dont know if i did it for him or for me? but whatever the reason… after that first time i did it all the time, with him. he wasnt a bad guy, his only downfall was he liked mary jane alittle too much. i needed a man that put me as his top lady.. and in that relationship it wasnt happening. so i ended it.
after that realatinonship ended i was in a pretty deep depression. it seemed like nothing was going quite my way and i felt very isolated. all these boys that claimed that they loved me so much had no problem dissapearing when the moment came. idk, but if you ask me.. thats not love, i dont know what it is. cowardice? maybe. all i knew is that i was alone. abandonded. so i started writing alot. and took solice in music and lyric. i stayed in my room all day long. diddnt talk to anyone really, accept my dad when he was sober. [rare]
then boy number 3 called me out of the blue. talked to me, invited me to hang out. i ws so relieved that at least one person in the world cared about where i was and what i was doing. i fell back in love. i house sat for him and his family during christmas. and i never left.
that pretty much explains how i got where i am. it sounds so simplified on paper. ha. if only.
while dating [ill call him jack] i got friends. i got a job. i got out of my depression.
he saved me. like i saved him. and i do love him. he has always been super supportive. and hwne i told him that i had dreams about being with girls. he told me to go for it. and that he would never judge me, and he would always be here for me.
so now im here, in the now. and i am stranded. i dont have any idea what to do.
the introduction
original posting date: September 22 2008
hey everyone. okay so im going to start doing a blog cause my life has got to the point that i need to find an escape. sure i have another myspace and i blog there too, but there are just somethings that people want private. well, somewhat private seeing as your reading this now right? so anyways a quick summary about me:im going to call myself Avery to keep my anonymity. im a teenager, therefore my thoughts on life are always changing. i live in a small town, population like… 500? i have a boyfriend that i have been dating on and off for two years. my mother isnt around anymore [R.I.P] and my father is an alchoholic so i dont live with him. i stay with my boyfriend at his parents house. which, im sure your thinkin, wow. that must fuckin suck! and YES it does. but what else can i do? i dont go to school anymore, unfortunately i am a dropout. thats life. i try not to get too down about it. i have a whole shmear of problems. i tend to be explicit with my wording… just to forewarn you. i do illegal things and i have dirty thoughts.okay. with that said, here goes…
hey everyone. okay so im going to start doing a blog cause my life has got to the point that i need to find an escape. sure i have another myspace and i blog there too, but there are just somethings that people want private. well, somewhat private seeing as your reading this now right? so anyways a quick summary about me:im going to call myself Avery to keep my anonymity. im a teenager, therefore my thoughts on life are always changing. i live in a small town, population like… 500? i have a boyfriend that i have been dating on and off for two years. my mother isnt around anymore [R.I.P] and my father is an alchoholic so i dont live with him. i stay with my boyfriend at his parents house. which, im sure your thinkin, wow. that must fuckin suck! and YES it does. but what else can i do? i dont go to school anymore, unfortunately i am a dropout. thats life. i try not to get too down about it. i have a whole shmear of problems. i tend to be explicit with my wording… just to forewarn you. i do illegal things and i have dirty thoughts.okay. with that said, here goes…
movin on up
i started this blog on another website before i knew now sucky it was, so although i know that it will be an annoying painstaking process, i am moving!
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