its been a while...

original post date: November 10 2009



so, long time no talk. its been a year since my last post and boy how things have changed. My beautiful daughter was born in june of this year. she is now 5 months old and the light of my life. jack and i are still together, and although things are stressfull being such young parents we are doing well. i am now considered an adult in the eyes of the law and i can tell you that i honestly miss my childhood quite a bit now that its officialy gone. that being said, i am so happy with things . i am a stay at home mom while jack works most days. he and my daughter are my best friends.
i stil have not acted on my bi curiousness. obviously i had to put things on a slight hold while i was pregnant. one of the sad things are that a teen pregnancy can defenitly make your fake friends known. ariel stopped talking to me shortly after i told her about the pregnacy. the thing that really botheres me is the fact that i still think of her alot. i mean, dammit its been a year why cant i just forget about it?? despite her rude departure from my life i still try to contact her periodicly, but to be truthful im getting pretty fed up. i have been tempted to finaly just write her a letter asking her wtf her problem is. i know that if i think rationaly i should just forget about the whole thing but i just cant let it go.but i want her to tell me what i did to her, or at the very least admit that it was the pregnancy that made her write me off. at least if i know the real reason i can move on. its all just left up in the open and when i anylize the situation [over and over again] i just dont know what she was thinking. part of me is clinging to a tiny chance that she still thinks of me too, but it sickens me to admit it because she is such a bitch to me. god i just want to know so i can get the fuck over it.
i suppose all these angry & confused feelings just boil down to the issues that are my own, that controll how i percieve virtually every relationship around me. my issues ofcourse spawn from my mother dying when i was so young. my father quickly fell into his alchoholism deeper than ever before and abandoned me. i was forced to fend for myself most of my young childhood. yes, my fears stem from thoes years. i fear that i am wortless and unloveable which has directed me to act in such ways that are mostly harmful to myself.
despite internal things that have bothered me, there are things happening in the outside [of my mind] world that i’ll take note on. twilight is pregnant too. she and newman are expecting a little boy in december. now that twilight is pregnant we are supposed to be great friends, at least thats what she expects. i like her and think of her as a friend but i still remember how she treated me when i announced my pregnancy… she was thirlled at first of course, but as the novelty wore off i diddnt see her for months. and now that she is ecpecting, she also expects forgiveness? well, i forgave for the most part but i did not forget.