pink hearts black pearls

original post date: October 6 2008



okay. so its like i want to just go out and say it but im embarrased. [afraid of being judged?] but, after all i am here to write my life. so here goes.
i dont like her anymore. there i said it. its so funny, but it feels like im betreying you for saying that, letting you down… i mean, ariel is my inspiration for this blog, this word vomit of mine but in the end, seasons pass and feelings change. i think that its good. i am happy. i set myself free in a way.. shes not bi, and i have come to terms with that… if i was to devote myself to her, then there would always be that chance that she wouldnt feel the same. last night i gave her her birthday present. she really liked it, and even though i poured my heart out to her in the card i gave her [diddnt tell her the secret] she brushed it off. that kind of thing hurts..
i have decided that i should move on. and i am glad that i never really out and told her. we both hinted at times, but she is happy with her boyfriend. and thats just fine.
jack and i threw a party lastnight and she was here, along with twilight, lollie, camo, and starburst.
i work with twilight everyday, she is a good friend. lollie is twilights best friend, at least while camo is in the army. she will be gone for 3 years when she leaves next week.
starburst just stopped by, she has strict parents and they said she couldnt come to the party, so she went to a different friends house instead. [parent approved] while she was over, i gave her a bracelet that has pink hearts on it, and little black pearls. i have a dark pink one, and she has the light pink one…. anyways, she told me that i looked hot. [ i was wearing gogo boots, pink diamond fishnets, a black pleated mini skirt and a green shirt with stars on it..]
she loves stars.
i talked to her about sexuality before, when i liked ariel.. so i know that she is bi. i diddnt tell her who, but i needed to talk so i vented to her about it.. and she said, “im not going to lie to you, i like boys and girls too.”
so.
where to go from here?
jack said that he isnt comfortable with me dating another girl. he just wants me to “hook up” with them. idk what that means. but im not going to give him his satisfaction. he cant get his cake and eat it too. thats not how life works. and its not fair.
so maybe i like her now. idk im trying not to anylize it. shes just so different than ariel:
starburst:
friendly
easy to talk to
cute
bi
touches me, my leg, face, hands ect.
smokes pot. [i think thats hot]
ariel
hard to talk to
shy
busy
straight
has a boyfriend
really reserved and we only hugged once.
kinda too straight edge for me…
not that starburst dosent have flaws. but everyone does. right? she is young. 3 years younger than me. should that matter?
anyways. this is the update. i hope it diddnt shock you too bad. hahaha
on another note, i am VERY excited for halloween. i have had my costume since september and i cant wait to have a halloween party. so ill keep you posed on that. hopefully starburst can come. we will see.
the trip to kansas was very boring by the way. long and boring and i cant remember if i have mentioned it yet in my blog, but to keep the excitement up i wont talk about it much, just enough to explain that there was lots of country music, bugs and fields.

okay, that is it. talk to you all again very soon.
Avery