in the begining

origional post date: September 22 2008


okay, so now i come to the main reason that i am writing. i like girls. at least i think i do…


ever since i was a little kid, i have had this wierd thing where i would pick “the girl i liked” out of every group of girls i saw. like when i saw girls on tv, i would choose the one that i though was prettiest, the best assets, hair ect. everytime. i diddnt think of it as anything.. as a matter of fact i though it was normal.. that everyone did it. now that im older i realize that maybe thats not the case… when i look at girls now, its not the prettiest that im picking out.. i think its the girls that im attracted to. [but please excuse me, im new at this.] i dont really know whats going on. i am very confused.
i have always been in long term relationship with males, i have never been with a girl although i have thought about it. i have had 4 serious relationships.
when i was dating number 1 it was puppy love for sure. there was nothing abnormal about the relationship accept maybe that he was abusive. we never foold around more that makeing out ect. and it was fine. i got “horny” i was attracted to him and what not. females werent on my mind at all. we dated for a 11 months.
boy number 2 was my first love. i lost my virginity to him and he broke my heart. he was into smoking pot, which i wasnt into at all, and eventually it broke us apart. not to mention i was very immature, needy, clingy.. a guys worst nightmare. we dated for 6 months.
boy number 3 is the one i am with now. he was the boy that i saved. from depression, drugs, and alchoholism… i was his angel. at least i like to think of it that way. when we met he was with another girl. but at the time i wasnt ready for a relationship, i was still broken up about number 2.. he decided that he wanted to be with me, so he broke it off with his girl and him and i started hanging out more often. i made him wait a month before i decided to date him exclusively. but as things seem to do, the relationship seemd to decay a bit after a year so i broke it off.
then i met number 4. a friend introduced me to him and he was so unlike anyone i had ever been with. he was a hippy. dreadlocked hair, bob marley fan. i was vulnerable. i wasnt planning on dating anyone for a while at least but it was like he loved me instantly. i dont even know how it happend. he was the one that got me to smoke pot the first time. i dont know if i did it for him or for me? but whatever the reason… after that first time i did it all the time, with him. he wasnt a bad guy, his only downfall was he liked mary jane alittle too much. i needed a man that put me as his top lady.. and in that relationship it wasnt happening. so i ended it.
after that realatinonship ended i was in a pretty deep depression. it seemed like nothing was going quite my way and i felt very isolated. all these boys that claimed that they loved me so much had no problem dissapearing when the moment came. idk, but if you ask me.. thats not love, i dont know what it is. cowardice? maybe. all i knew is that i was alone. abandonded. so i started writing alot. and took solice in music and lyric. i stayed in my room all day long. diddnt talk to anyone really, accept my dad when he was sober. [rare]
then boy number 3 called me out of the blue. talked to me, invited me to hang out. i ws so relieved that at least one person in the world cared about where i was and what i was doing. i fell back in love. i house sat for him and his family during christmas. and i never left.
that pretty much explains how i got where i am. it sounds so simplified on paper. ha. if only.
while dating [ill call him jack] i got friends. i got a job. i got out of my depression.
he saved me. like i saved him. and i do love him. he has always been super supportive. and hwne i told him that i had dreams about being with girls. he told me to go for it. and that he would never judge me, and he would always be here for me.
so now im here, in the now. and i am stranded. i dont have any idea what to do.